This does not feel like the best place to be right now- I came back to Glasgow from a pretty great weekend touring the Highlands and found a mess. First, even before I could put my bags down I saw a really distraught friend- he told was going home for a friend's funeral. She went missing in Vermont and was just found murdered. I was pretty much speechless, as anyone would be. I just hugged him. I couldn't help but think about my past, but I couldn't breathe a word of it to anyone around because it wasn't the time for that. It still hung in my head. I cried. I got pissed. I still feel that way, but I also feel like ignoring all of it and trying to push through. That's what I've been trying to do since I got here.

Feeling alone after I went to my room, I found another friend who made me feel better, but then I made him feel like shit. I'll save the description of this one, but I feel like I fucked up. It wasn't my intention to give him more to worry about, but that's what I ultimately did. He's important to me, and I worry that this is damaging.

These two things come after a couple of stressful weeks that have passed, but still have left their mark. Someone who was also studying abroad here, but has now left, had a few outbursts of cutting herself then going to the hospital. The first night it happened I found her bleeding on the stairs. Another incident here that took me back to things I don't like to remember. The last couple of years at Bennington have been wrought by death and injury, and seeing this made me feel trapped in seeing those things everywhere I go. After the first night I kept my distance from her and any of the other situations, just because I didn't want to see anymore. Even then, it was still around. That situation passed and is not happening anymore here, but having that happen in the first weeks left me feeling like the ground we're starting with here is a bit shaky.

Also last night I saw that a kid from our house had been jumped outside of the library. I don't know much about that situation, but again, it felt like everything was kind of fucked up everywhere. Added to the load, of course, is my own transition. The place where all these things come together is where I have to fight off my own depression.

So basically, I'm completely uncomfortable and trying to cling close to those things that make me feel alright. It will get better, but I have to admit, at the moment it sucks.