It's October 12th.

I feel pretty happy this morning. There's blue sky outside, and I slept well (except for this cough I can't seem to get rid of). I came out as trans recently, and it seems like every morning I'm more willing to get out of bed. I have changed my name to Cyle (Kyle with a C so I don't have to change my initials or my signature). My frustrations and discomfort with gender have always been a very private thing for me. Other than my mother, I don't think many people in my life have any idea that this has been part of my relationship to myself- well, I assume that folks don't know, but then I don't know what I look like or sound like from the outside. Most of us don't really know, but part of that for me is because I have never been comfortable really looking at my physical self (that has gotten better too). My own thoughts and feelings never made sense to me, so I assume that they don't make sense to anyone else. But once I just decided to go with this feeling of wanting to explore transitioning, I have felt and thought things about myself that I never have before- I don't feel so annoyed with myself, and I'm less critical and afraid of what I am.

Because I don't talk about it much, actually telling people feels a little awkward- how exactly do you start such a conversation? You just do I guess- I feel better once I just throw the words out off my tongue. My mom was the first to know, and she's incredible. My mama, yep yep yep. She wasn't surprised and she even went ahead and told her family for me. I'm known as Cyle here in Glasgow, so they all know, and I'm slowly finding opportunities to let my friends in VT and California know. I want to let my friends into this, I just want to do it sincerely, so timing is important. (BTW- this blog isn't meant to be in place for that- being far away, the chances for long conversations with some people are few and far between. I just want to have a place to write about this. Know that I really want to have those conversations whenever it's possible).

The hardest one to tell so far was my father. Coming out as gay like 7 years ago was hard enough, so I knew introducing him to this would not be simple. He called one evening while I was on my way to a pub and I had the thought of telling him on my mind for so long that I couldn't say anything else before I told him that. I first told him I've been going by Cyle, then he said (with kind of a defensive, snotty attitude)"why?". He got the idea when I said it's because that's what mom would have named me if I had been born a boy. He was quiet for a moment, and then came back quickly with "well, I'm sorry but you'll always be Carlie to me". I wouldn't have admitted it then, but I felt kind of crushed by his immediate unwillingness. My response was that he could do what he wanted with it, I just wanted to let him into that part of my life. What I really wanted to say was "fuck you". and then why is it such an issue for you. but that wouldn't get me anywhere. He left me with a glimmer of hope when he ended the conversation with "I'll have to think about that one". Whatever. Maybe he'll come around, maybe he wont. There are lots of question marks with daddy-o at the moment, but just getting the balls to tell him got rid of so so much of my nervousness about being open with it to other people. This one is about me, anyway.

This is definitely a process I have to feel myself through... legal issues, financial issues, health issues, social issues... it'll all fall together, I know. I can't tackle it all at once, but I'm making my way through it. I'm aware that lots of changes will be happening in my life for the next while and I'm super excited. I also know that in telling friends, I'm not just letting them in on my life so they can just know about something, but I'm also making sure that I have the support I need. I used to deny needing other people, but the last year has shown me that connectivity is important- essential. So, my friends, when you read this, know these things: I love you, I wanted you to know this but I just couldn't find the moment to tell you myself, and I need you to love me.

So there you have it. In other news, Glasgow is good. Going up to the Highlands this weekend and it should be quite beautiful. Been having a good time.